GlamorousBarbie

Hi Guys

 I am logging on to let you know I am still alive! I don’t want anyone to be worried about me.  I have been in hospital for the last while.  I have lost over a stone due to ill health. The doctors think its my Bowels, I have little to no iron or B12, So they need to find out why I am losing blood and where from? It’s a mystery to them as too me. It could be cancer, or crhons or what? I havent had a period in 15 weeks so ovarian cancer hasnt been ruled out.

  The hospital was a nightmare and I was treated Abysmally.  I asked to be discharged as my mental health was suffering.  I have to go to the doctors tomorrow and back to the hospital next Wednesday.

I am exhausted and mentally drained.  S has let me down big time, we are Nothing anymore.  B has moved on she never even contacted me whilst I was in hospital…I mean who does that? OK We weren’t speaking but if it was Me? I couldn’t let someone who was my best friend a month ago go through the hopsital and tests and all that  I went through.  My mother said she cannot believe how strong I have been.  I am like a pin cushion and covered in bruises due to all the blood that has been taken.

All there is left to do is try and get my life back, whatever that is. A new life I guess.

Ineed to get a job as well

Nicollexxxx

It has been eventful.

Hello my fellow Buddies….This is only a short entry as I don’t have much energy to write.  After being made redundant on Monday morning I was sent home from work with TERRIBLE tummy pains (Some might remember me complaing last month and thought it was constipation and IBS and not eating properly!)

Well…Long story short….it wasn’t.

I am just out of hospital tonight, I had a cyst on my ovary that has burst so I was in hospital on morphine drips and what not….So my life is like one big Soap Drama ha and I am meant to be going to Spain on Sunday but I don’t know if I am able to fly?????  In a way its better it burst rather than twisted, the surgeon said I could have died from that

 I have no appetite, really sick and sore….I’m home because I begged to get home, I have doctors on Friday Morning.  I dont know I am so confused as the surgeon who I spoke to made no sense to me! So I am feeling really scared and alone, I feel for my mum, she got made redundant on Monday too so now we have NO INCOME coming into the house and I am ill. I don’t know….just feel really for my mum

I am just going to go to bed now…I can’t wait to get into my own bed!!!

Lost my Job today

Will blog when I have the energy

Love Nicollexxxxx

It’s Friday! It feels as though this has been one helluva Slow Mo Week, even though it was a 4 Day week at work.  I feel really frustrtated in my job as I really hate it so much.  It’s a great job, great money but I am so unfullfilled and bored beyond belief.  I guess I just feel a little dissapointed in myself that I haven’t ended up where I thought I would.

A Job’s a Job right?

I’m feeling a little fed up today and my tummys really bloated.  After work lastnight I was so tired, actually shattered that I could NOT possibly do any exercise (Missed my jog) So I went home and made a salad and fruit and yoghurt for dessert.  I lay on my couch and read the book “He’s Just Not that into You!”  It’s pretty enlightening but nothing I don’t already know, I would recommend you guys get it though if you are having Man Troubles. So I was in my Pyjamas, reading my book and by this time (9pm) I had moved into my bed. I was so tired I thought I would just read until I fell asleep, when my front door went.  I wasn’t expecting anyone and you guessed it, it was S. 

He had left his house keys in my house, I had totally forgot.  Anyway he had been crying and his voice was shaking when he was talking to me. I couldn’t even look at him because I do not feel as bad as that.  I cried though because seeing him so broken really got to me because I caused Him to feel like that.  I know that in the long run it’s the best thing, Infact, the right thing to do.  I used the old cliche about being friends but would anyone believe me if I said I genuinely meant it? Because he really is my best friend.  That’s why it has always been so hard to admit that I dont love him anymore than a Best friend.  It’s his birthday on Tuesday and he had the cheek (S all over the back) to ask me what I had got him and how I could take it back now and get my money back for my holiday.  I’m not and I am still giving him it.  I got him a Leather Diesel wallet.

He left after about 1/2 an hour (not before me crying, him crying, door being slammed and him going to his car and back again in true S drama form) but all in all I still felt relieved when he had left.  He hugged me when he left and that was mildly awkward.

After he left I ate a packet of oat chilli snacks. They’re only 112 calories for a 125gram bag. They’re like Mini Oat Cakes in small biscuit form.  I felt so ill after them though like bloated and fat. This morning when I woke up I felt so disgusting, fat.  Why did I feel like this?! All for a small packet of oat crisps..even I know thats ridicuolous but I wonder if I am allergic to oats or that they upset my stomach I don’t know I just felt too full Maybe cos I ate them at 10pm, I don’t know. 

I’m also pissed at myself for missing my Run yesterday But I was soo tired ! Wednesday I had tried to push myself when I was tired and I didnt do well at all but I feel so bad for missing my exercise!!! I am totally beating myself up all day today!

I MUST go a long run tonight after work with my weights etc

On the plus point I did 100 sit ups before work this morning…

YESTERDAY

• Small bowl of branflakes, banana, skimmed milk
• lettuce, bag of steamed vegetables, salsa
• Apple, yoghurt, Satsuma
• Lettuce, Veg, gravy, small sprinkle of cheese, salsa
• Apple, Yoghurt, Satsuma
• Mini Oat crisps
• 6.5 Litres of Water

TODAY

• Small bowl of branflakes, Skimmed Milk
• Apple

I have steamed veg in for my lunch and a yoghurt with plenty of water. 

Tonight I plan to go a long run, come home and do some cleaning.  I have the hairdressers at 9am tomorrow! YES getting my roots done, I cannot wait!  Tomorrow night I am going to have a few glasses fo wine with B…only a FEW I PROMISE!

Hope everyone is well and my mood improves today…Just wish I had exercised yesterday but I can’t change it now, I know you shouldnt exercise everyday but I feel so down and depressed when I don’t!

Anyway it’s Friday, I go to Spain in 9 days!!!

Love

Nicollexxxx

Good Morning my dear Buddies, Hope everyone is well today.

I am very tired today and for the first time in about 2 months I slept in for work…I haven’t been sleeping well (full of nervous energy) and the last 2 nights have been the first ‘proper’ sleep intake I’ve had. I know I have made the right decision over S. 

Last night after work I went my usual route for my jog.  I didn’t last though as I don’t think I was rested enough as I had worked out the night before realllly hard at Aerobics so even though I jogged a while, I admit I walked the rest BUT at least I DID SOMETHING RIGHT?! I also had eaten Jalapenos in my salad that lunchtime and OH JEEEZ THEY BURNED, I had terrible tummy pains when I was running all because of those damn Jalapenos!!

NOTE :  Never attempt to run after a jalapeno…….wowie!

I mean I could have just went home, made pizza for dinner followed by ice cream, fizzy juice, crisps and dip with a bottle of wine (since I was stressed) and watched tv ALL night…like I used to do!!

Instead I went a mini jog, made a salad and had a yoghurt with fruit for dessert, cleaned my bathroom, livingroom and bedroom. Then B came round.  I made her dinner (as she came straight from work) and we chatted for 3 hours and watched tv with water and tea!  How rock and roll I have become haha!

S called me last night when B was in but I never answered it. He text me twice yesterday. I deleted them and never replied.  I am not feeding his Drama.

I am so very tired today, EXHAUSTED!

Work is really bugging me as I have to look for a new job. 

On the plus side I go to SPAIN in ten days time aaargh!  I have been working out sooo hard for this holiday, I have also stayed in (no clubs, no bars, NOTHING) for 5 weeks now which is a Record for me! So I am going to enjoy this fortnight sosos much!

Today I have had a small bowl of branflakes with a banana and skimmed milk. I have a bag of steamed veg for lunch with lettuce and fruit too.  I have also been drinking at least 3 to 4 litres of water a day. So I think I am right on track!

I can’t wait to pack for my holiday, yay!

Hope all my buddies are happy and healthy,

Nicolle xxx

I broke up with S last night.  It wasn’t working and I feel relieved.  He was hungover all day yesterday and texting me the same old same old so I just decided enough was enough I HAD, HAD ENOUGH.  Being with S has been probably the most stressful part of my life to date and it was never truly his fault.

It was Mine.

I never had the courage to walk away when I knew it wasn’t working, when I knew he wasn’t the One for me, when I knew ultimately we had little to no future.  I knew I never really loved him and I deserve more than half loving someone as does he. 

When I told him it was over, I was done, to delete my number, I wanted complete and utter closure…he knew it was coming but he was still upset and said without me he had nothing.  That he would be heartbroken without me and what was he going to do now? How that he would never be happy again. (We all know this isn’t true) I said he would be, he said only if I stayed with Him,  I said I wasn’t Happy though?! His answer, “Yes but I am, I am with you…”

That was all he cared about. As long as he was Happy, had me, then that was all that mattered.  He didn’t care that I was miserable, that he drained me, that I looked out for him ALL the time.

It has been so exhausting living a lie.

He is my best friend, well, he Was because I have cut off all contact now. I can’t be anything to him because he will just make me feel guilty all the time.  That’s why we always got back before because I am such a soft hearted person he would guilt me into getting back with him.

I told Him I wanted to (not right now) but eventually settle down, have a mortgage, family etc and that I knew it would never be with him so I didn’t see the point in us staying together when I knew this already, when it wasn’t even fun anymore.

He was sad and I cried but after I did it I felt sleepy for the first time in months.

For the past 2 months at the very least I have been living on nervous energy. I know I have. I have lost weight in places I never knew possible, I know I look so different but I haven’t been sleeping because of worry.  I have been consistently cleaning my whole house ALL the time (even if I cleaned it a few hours before I would bleach the same thing again!) If anyone messed a towel in my bathroom a different way it would stress me out until I fixed it the proper way! I thought I was going mad. 

As soon as I finished it with S, those things didnt seem important anymore.  I feel as though I have been trying to get control in other parts of my life manically because I was so unhappy and couldn’t control the relationship with him.

I have now though and I feel proud of myself. I know I have did the right thing.

I don’t feel needy anymore.  I felt desperate all the time.

I feel like me again and you know? After I got off the phone from S, my make up had ran the lot, but I cleaned myself up and went to my Aerobics class because that was for me.

My holiday is in 10 days, I really need it. 

On Monday I will find out if I am being made redundant……..

Tonight I will go a run after work, clean my house and then B is coming up for a while.

S text me this morning at 7.30am but I deleted it and never replied,

Time to Move on……

Hey Guys

Not been on in a few days as I was off work, we had a public holiday yesterday and Friday I took as my own personal holiday to Shop for my holiday.  Wow I shopped!! I have all my holiday clothes/toiletries/suitcase/everything really in now all there is is too go!

I have been running everyday and attending Aerobics still. I have Aerobics tonight after work so I am looking forward to that! 

I weighed in this morning at 135 lbs! Another Pound lost and I have hit my GOAL! I am very happy as I still have 12 days till I go on Holiday.

Feeling pretty upset at the minute, me and S are splitting up and I just feel wretched.  Its his Birthday next Tuesday as well, already have him a present, cost me a fortune and I feel as if we are so more than over.  He was out all weekend (ok I knew it was happening) but he was out Saturday night with the boys and he text me at 3.30am saying

“I’m batting them away tonight, was dancing with a girl and me being naive steve she was dancing wildy and tried to kiss me….I told her nooo though, miss you”

EH WHY WAKE ME at 3.30am on a SAUTRDAY night (Knowing I have my holiday coming up, I am trying so hard not to drink alcohol and hes steaming drunk texting me?! He made me want to DRINK I TELL YOU I just feel like a wine so badly…..) 

When I spoke to him the next day he was so cagey….and when he mentioned that he said yeah I looked hot, she wanted to kiss me, my friends were kissing her friends.  All I could think was either he did it and was covering his arse incase someone told me or he was just trying 2 make me jealous….someone who plays on my insecurities like that!? And makes me feel like crap is He worth it? No. I had a lump in my throat I was so angry. 

Then yesterday he had his Cricket day where they all play cricket all day and drink alcohol.  I just don’t fit in with them. They are all so pretentious and stuck up. I didnt want to be surrounded by alcohol again anyway.  So I hardly heard from him yesterday and then he called me, Drunk, at 11ish and I just have had enough. He knew I was being weird on the phone so when he was leaving he snigged, “Miss you then..” Total arse comment. I just saw red and said “Whatever!” and Hung up!

He took me out for dinner etc on Friday but that was just to peacify me for the fact that I wouldn’t see him the whole weekend and god knows when again. It’s so hurtful and pathetic plus the fact he always moans he has no money. He told me he would buy me a suitcase for my holiday and NEVER So my poor mum had to fork out the money for it and I feel so shit about that.

Am I over reacting?

I don’t think I am, I am working so hard and Exercising, trying to be a better person and he just doesnt give a shit. Spends his money on crap, eats Crap and evidently is treating me like crap.  He thinks all the words in the world will PEACIFY me, “I love you..I miss you…you’re amazing…you’re gorgeous” BUT it’s all words

Words like this are making me so unhappy….

I cannot wait to go on Holiday, I need away from this.

I have spent the whole weekend on my own, which is fine, I ran, I exercised, I ate so well and my house is absaloutly GLEAMING!! So I am happy WITH ME! But I am unhappy with someone else…..

I don’t know

Just yuck

Nicollexxxx

Hi Guys

Sorry not been on in a few days, no excuses really but the fact that I have had nothing to report! Just been really keeping on top of my exercise and healthy eating.

Tuesday I went to Aerobics with B.  It was sooo good, I loved it!  The room was so hot and oh god I looked a riot after it haha The sign of a great workout! B then came back to mine and we organised who was buying what for holiday i.e she buys the after sun I buy the moisturiser lol Cos its silly us taking 2 of everything! Last year we did that and the amount we wasted on Beauty products was Ridiculous! B was weird on Tuesday again but I am trying to not let it bother me anymore, in fact it doesn’t I am OVER IT. Cos yesterday (Wednesday) she was great again. So I just take her as I get her from now on! I am sooo excited to go away.

Last night me and B were meant to go to Aerobics but it was like bloody tropical rain here! And we didnt have the cars, so she would have had to walked to mine in it and then to the gym.  By the time we had decided to NOT go the rain had STOPPED!!! Oh I was sooo mad cos I really wanted to go :(  But instead of being a moan I decided to go a run! So I went an hour long run and even incorporated my weights into my run….OH JEEZ I WAS RED AFTER IT hehe BUT I tell you guys it was amazing…I think I am addicted to running now!!! I love it, especially as I am not stopping as much as I used too, I can run for soo much longer.  It’s so corny but the freedom you feel on a run is just the best, can’t really describe it….

Me and S aren’t really getting on, as a couple anyway. He is my best friend and I love him to bits, I care so much about him too but I just don’t love him the way he loves me….you know the way…..don’t want to overshare  but I can’t have any physical (god don’t want to be smutty on my blog!) with him.  It’s like when I am kissing him in my head I am saying, “No,no doesn’t feel right…” I just wish I could like him in this way cos it would be perfect.  But I am only 23…I know people say well looks come and go and honestly it isn’t about looks.  I’m not shallow in that way, it’s just there’s no spark or passion for me.

It’s his birthday next Tuesday then I go on Holiday on the Sunday so I can’t say anything about us at the moment. Bad Timing.

I still want him in my Life. But that’s probably Me being selfish.

I am off work Tomorrow woooohooo and I am going SHOPPING For ALL my holiday clothes/bits and pieces. Once I get it all in that’s it I am ready for hols!  I am also off Monday as its a Public Holiday here yay! So 4 day weekend for me!  Tomorrow after shopping me and S are going to go for lunch and then do some fun stuff at night.  We do have such fun together, it’s a shame really.

Hair done next week too, My roots are awful!!! I can’t wait!

So I weighed myself this morning and I am still 136 lbs!!! SOOO happy still about this and I cannot wait to go shopping tomorrow.  I think that’s when I will see it! A few people have said to me I look really good, but not to get too skinny….why do people do that!?!  I like the way I am going, AND I am not stupid to try and be a size 0! I don’t want that, I just want to be confident in my bikini and with my body in general!  Just because I don’t eat chocolate but fruit instead makes me like some sort of weirdo!!! ahah! Had to vent that there!

Also I have found drinking more water has left me with more energy! My skin looks better too and my teeth look whiter?! this could be the fact I haven’t smoked in over 2 weeks now too though. Also no alcohol for 2 weeks either!!

Oh I am sounding sooo annoyingly perfect here but believe me it’s taking me all my willpower to not have an Oreo Mcflurry haha

MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL,

I’ll let you guys know how I get on with my shopping

Love Nicollexxxxx

What a great weekend I had and May I add Alcohol and all bad things free! I was so good, I am soo Happy! And I am now sitting very happily at 136lbs!!! OMG I can’t quite believe it…So drinking 2 -3 litres of water a day works (check) Exercise Works (Check) Eating regularly and varied foods works! (CHECK)

Ok nothing new there but it ACTUALLY works…Jeez its taking me 5 years of ‘Dieting’ and putting my body through complete and utter YO YO hell to really realise this, well my Fellow Lovely Buddies Better Late than never! I haven’t been depriving myself! Ahh I can’t believe it I have still lost weight?!

I have so much to write Positive that I don’t want to sound smarmy and smug! lol It’s just I have been on a road of self destruction for so long that I hit the wall so hard I nearly VERY nearly fell apart BUT I fought hard, I pushed myself and my Buddies helped..coming on here everyday has helped, Becky you have been amazing, You are so positive and full of lovely energy that I would have a negative thought and think how disapointed you would be in me! (Yes really!) So I thank you for that! And everyone elses blogs (even though at times I am at work and cant comment) All your blogs really push me every day..Maria, Tab, Little Flower, Nancy, Kama, Shellibean,Jen, Loni..All you guys have struggled and it’s great to finally be on the HEALTHY side of Buddy Slim. 

I finally feel proud to be here! It’s like I know I wont be perfect ALL the time but who wants perfection…that isn’t true happiness i am pretty sure. 

Where I am at the moment seems to be.

So How did I get so happy? It’s helped with my weight loss but I sorted things on Saturday night with B..I was honest, I was strong, I called her out for the fear she put in me all the time, for the vacation, the bad attitude she had……And…She was so sorry, she said she was scared of losing me to S?! That when we came back the holiday we wouldn’t be the same anymore that the Holiday was somehow going to be the Final goodbye to our friendship! (Perhaps this is why she wasn’t excited about it) BUT we sorted it all out, I reassured her that she is my best friend, theres enough room in my life for her and S and that her behaviour was splitting our friendship (Not S, Not the holiday BUT her attitude) WHAT A RELIEF, It’s all sorted and you know I felt sorry for her!? She’s been walking about with a horrible fear of losing our (very) important friendship and it was making her lash out and act so different…And u know about 10 minutes after our chat B WAS BACK! The B I know and LOVE, the both of us felt so oooo relieved and HAPPY!!!

We also walked ten miles!! (Power walked and talked)

So Now me and my B are happy and sorted. We at least have agreed to have the best holiday we possibly can, we also agreed NO arguing, no cross words, no animocity, JUST FUN FUN FUN! So thats what we shall have! I am so relieved and feel Stronger that I , ME , I sorted it out! I faced my fear and sorted us out.  The fact me and B could talk about it all, it really made me realise I dont want to lose her nor her me…..

Accountability for the weekend here goes

Friday:

• Branflakes topped with half a banana,skimmed milk
• Soup, Apple and low fat yoghurt
• RAN AFTER WORK WITH WEIGHTS, SIT UPS
• Carrot and Coriander Soup, Lettuce on side with cucumber
• Yoghurt and Apples
• McFlurry (yum) with S and low cal chocolate bar
• 3 Litres of WATER

SATURDAY

• Branflakes, half a banana, Skimmed Milk
• Went Shopping with my Mum
• 1 Wholemeal Wrap,Lettuce, Salsa, Low Calorie Cheese Slice
• SIT UPS AND WEIGHTS (40 MINS)
• WENT FOR A RUN (45 MINS)
• Yoghurt and 20 Grapes
• 10 MILE WALK WITH B
• Small Ice cream

SUNDAY

• Branflakes with Milk
• WENT FOR A RUN, SIT UPS AND WEIGHTS
• Cleaned my whole house
• Yoghurt and Grapes
• Chicken Caeser Salad
• 2 Litres of WATER
• Thin Low fat Chocolate bar, 1 marshmallow

SO that was My Weekend with NO ALCOHOL and NO BAD FOOD and plenty of exercise! I feel very clear headed and POSITIVE!

On Sunday S took me for Dinner at his Local Pub…I got a Chicken Caeser Salad….It was sooo yummy BUT the best part was I was in a Pub and I ordered a Water….yes, Me, Nicolle a WATER lol And S had a Cider as well and I Resisted! I sound like an alcoholic here but its just my weekends used to be alcohol Fuelled Binges so to go into a Pub at the weekend and have a water is like the best most proudest thing for me!

So I weighed myself this morning and I am 136lbs! 1LB to go before I reach MY GOAL WEIGHT! Its 2 weeks 6days till my holiday so hopefully I can drop that LAST POUND to get to my GOAL!

Here is to an amazing, Positive, Happy week for All My Buddiess

Love for you all

Nicolle xxxxxxx